Please Advise
by Of the Floating World
Summary: Only I have the kind of luck that gives you apparently invalid foreknowledge. SI AU


**Hello there. I felt it time to try my hand at a SI, though with my own twist. I have not yet read an SI born into an AU Naruto world. Thus, Please Advise was born. Enjoy the ride! The OC won't (poor baby).**

**If you haven't read Silver Queen's Dreaming of Sunshine yet, I don't know what you're doing in this corner of the fandom, but read it immediately! This is all thanks to her.**

**Enjoy!**

**Warning: There will be cursing, which you would most likely also do in her situation. Spoilers in later chapters.**

* * *

Chapter One:

Red

I stared. And stared some more. I opened my mouth to speak, before it swiftly slammed shut with a click of my jaw. And I stared.

Now, I am hardly easily bewildered, having been reborn and all. Or in a coma and languishing in my own messed up imagination. I haven't quite decided, but by this point I'm leaning towards the former to preserve any lingering sanity.

Reincarnation was not quite so disconcerting as one may think. I do not recall my birth (and thank God/Kami for that) and my consciousness only really surfaced a few times in the first year of my new life. Honestly, the child brain is not made for the level of thinking of an adult mind. It's only really now, a little past four years old, that I'm in charge of my body most of the time.

I'm unsure about the exact mechanics of reincarnation, or if me being here is just some kind of big fuck up in the engine of the universe, but my experience is not what I expected. I'm not really alone in my body.

Okay, that may sound a bit alarming, but it's actually altogether rather convenient. I think the girl that originally owned this body may have been the me of this universe.

…That may sound like I'm trying to reason my way out of believing that I'm _not _a thieving body snatcher, but I have some logic!

As previously stated, I was not usually in control until recently. The consciousness of the Kid (lovingly and creatively named) was in charge. Around one I started swimming to the forefront of our mind from the inky blackness of the unconscious. From my seat I could not directly affect our actions, but observe. The Kid acts exactly as I did as a child, making me think that she is me. I am she. Whatever. Ugh.

So, I figure that maybe somehow on the threshold of death I reached out and found someone who had the same soul as me and imprinted my adult consciousness on it. That, or someone put be here. One can't ignore the possibility that someone up there just likes screwing with you. I could have also actually been sent here with a purpose, but that seems a bit too optimistic.

(and a bit too much responsibility, but meh.)

Anyway, despite the fact that I refer to the Kid as a separate entity, we don't actually communicate or anything. Whenever I want to take over I just give her a little tug and she complacently goes to the back. When I signal her to take over she comes to the front. I can't affect her actions when she's out and she doesn't mess with mine. I figure she doesn't particularly care since we're one soul, and I try not to think about the possibility that I'm just overpowering her. It's really like we're one person with an older and younger conscious (which sounds more than vaguely schizophrenic). I'm pretty sure we'll merge one day (or, she'll fade, but that sounds too much like I'm a weed choking her out for my taste), so we shouldn't experience too much discontinuity; not that we do now.

I'm not a philosopher anyhow, so while I've had a while to think about this, it doesn't really matter much either way. I decided after a couple years not to consider the fact that I may be crazy (as that way lays madness if I'm not mad already) and I only held the coma theory this long as being reborn is the much less logical option. Either way, how ever I'm here, I'm here, and there's nothing I can do about that.

(Besides dying again, but once was quite enough _thank you very much_)

The next question one may ask would be where "here" is. Well, despite my original theory of kinda-Japan-but-not-really (I didn't know the language very well, but there are rather key differences that stand out) I was wrong. Sort of. I had figured I was in some weird Japan of the past or future or an alternate universe. Does a universe from a manga count as an alternate universe? Hell, maybe Kishimoto could see the future and the Naruto universe is my world's future. Or past. Or alternate universe. Who knows?

Either way, I had been on one of my sleepy excursions of skimming the Kid's consciousness when I discovered where exactly I had been displaced. I was twoish then and hadn't been particularly active for long. The first time I had fully come into focus was at about one, and although I had some hazy recollections from a few surfaces before, I hadn't really taken in my situation. Upon "waking", my senses had been immediately assaulted by a strange feeling.

It's hard to describe; I recall it feeling like I was in water, but the water had a breeze. I suppose I could have described it like a current, but it felt more like whispers of wind curling around me, except with the substance of water. It was odd but not unpleasant. The unpleasant part was the feeling that it was also strumming through my body, and instead of soothing, it created the most horrendous itch ever. The itchiness led me to inspect my body and, well, I soon discovered I was both not in control of said body and it was not the correct body in the first place.

I was so shocked and upset about my lack of adult body, control, and the possibilities of what it could mean that my emotions managed to reach the kid, the first and only time such a thing happened, and she promptly began screaming and bawling her head off. Considering she was a normally docile baby, this alarmed the shit out of the caretakers. I swiftly submerged myself back into the depths of unconsciousness to stave off the pain, and didn't surface till months later.

* * *

With this said, I did not expect to have another violent shock after the initial (and I'd be a liar if I said I've gotten over my first surprise). The Kid and all of the rest of the munchkins were gathered, chattering excitedly to each other about something or other. I gathered that someone was coming to speak, but I didn't care overly much about the details.

Perhaps I wouldn't have felt like I was suffering from yet another panic attack had I just listened to what the children were yammering about.

The caretakers gathered everyone up and directed them to the main room where the kids would usually play indoors. Everyone sat down, but hardly settled as they nearly wriggled in anticipation. Honestly, kids don't need much of an excuse to get excited, so I figured a fireman or a pet shop owner or someone else rather un-extraordinary would be coming to talk.

So, there they/I sat, not a stranger in sight. I inwardly jolted as I felt a flux of _something_, then, with a 'poof' and a billowing of smoke, a person stood in front. All of the children jumped, though the yelling was more from excitement than fear. I was clutching my metaphorical heart while the Kid was cooing in awe. Jeez, I figured they had some first rate magicians around here. The door was behind us and I couldn't imagine how the guy got to the front so quickly – the smoke didn't even move very far from the point he 'appeared' at. I suppose I could see why the kids were so excited now. Whatever I had felt when he entered, well, there are greater mysteries in my life. Slash re-life.

Then, of course, came the _N _word.

(not that n word. We're not in Kansas anymore Toto)

"Ninja-san!" The kids screamed in excitement.

Who called a magician a _ninja_? Was it his gimmick or something? I suppose it was a pretty good one. People loved ninjas from Before. Hell, his entrance even reminded me of that one anime I had really liked about the ninjas. What was it called again? My memories were there, but everything was a bit fuzzy unless I dug. I didn't really bother to search for the name; such miscellaneous facts weren't really important.

The head caretaker came to stand next the (weirdly dressed – where was his cape or props or anything) magician 'ninja'. Miwa-san, I believe her name was, smiled at us with her gently wrinkled face and said, "Yes, children, I know you have been excited to meet a real life shinobi. Ryoichi-san is here to talk to you about the ninja academy and the benefits to becoming a shinobi of the leaf. Please greet him warmly."

What.

The children all cheered enthusiastically, to which Ryoichi-san grinned and ruffled his dark hair, "Maa, it's very encouraging to have such a warm welcome. As Miwa-san stated, I'm here to talk to you about walking the path of the shinobi. I am a chuunin, the level above genin, which I am sure many of you know is the rank you would achieve should you graduate from the academy. Being a shinobi of Konoha is the greatest honor one can achieve. A shinobi is strong, and with the Will of Fire we protect the village. The ninja academy is the first step to gaining the strength to keep your home safe. Now, how…"

More what.

Ryoichi-san kept talking, but I had stopped listening where the Kid stayed rapt, ensnared in the picture the man was weaving. In the web of propaganda the spider was laying. That the _ninja_ was laying. Dear God, where have I fallen?

No, stupid question, I know _exactly _where I am. Why was I here? Am I in a different hell than Sisyphus was bound to, one where I had to see a killer luring bright eyed children to a life of bloodshed, most likely culminating in their untimely death? A life where I would have to look at the blood on my hands, hands that I couldn't stay if I wanted to? Hands that were still my own?

I felt dizzy with hysteria and would probably have vomited had I had a stomach of my own. Reading stories of ninjas was one thing; admiring the character's physical feats and strength of will. It was quite another to have a man trying to recruit you, however indirectly, into a profession of killing. I knew the name of the village I was in – _Konoha – _Village Hidden in the Leaves, I knew their fate depending on where I was, I knew their savior, knew –

_Naruto_

I was in Naruto. I was placed or reborn into a damned fictional world. Was this really reality if I was in fiction? _What is even going on!_

Thunderous applause wrenched me from drowning in my panic as the children cheered for the bloody handed man in front of them. The Kid clapped especially enthusiastically. She leaned over to a dark haired little boy and lisped proudly, "I be ninja!" The boy happily returned the sentiment.

I don't think I had ever disagreed so strongly with children before.

"Say thank you to Ryoichi-san children," Miwa instructed, coming to stand beside the man in front once more. The children chorused their appreciation and then began to stand. I could tell by their intend gazes that they were about to stampede towards the ninja. My own gaze, shared with the Kid, was glued to him.

Miwa, a woman constantly surrounded by children and able to read them as easily as I could read English (and wasn't that just the most useful ability in the world?), easily headed the crowd off, "Ryoichi-san does not have time to answer all of your questions. Go outside and play now. Lunch will be in two hours."

With a chorus of groans the children begrudgingly began to trudge out of the room with many backwards glances sent at the current most interesting person in the world. I felt relief course through my metaphorical veins as I felt the Kid begin to totter after everyone, hand clutched in one of the older kid's. I did not want to be in a room with someone able to kill me in the blink of an eye any longer. I also needed time to absorb my outrageous new knowledge.

"Ah, Megumi-chan, could you please let go of Rei-chan? I need to see her for a second."

I blinked as I felt the hand holding my small chubby one leave. The Kid, just as startled as I was, looked up at the orange haired female, ten or so, and questioned, "Gumi-sempai?"

The girl was looking at Miwa. She grumbled something about what one would need to talk to a toddler about but nodded obligingly and left with a "yes, Miwa-san" and a pat on my head.

I won't forget this Megumi whatever-your-last-name-is. Leaving me to the dogs; you shall pay for your transgressions.

The Kid did not reflect my discontent, and instead of hissing dishonor on everyone's family as I did (never mind I was in an orphanage), she looked up to the closest person she had as a mother figure with dewy eyes. She hmmed in question as she waddled over to the older woman.

Miwa smiled warmly down and patted my head. Honestly people, I am not a dog.

"Hello Rei-chan. I want to introduce Ryoichi-san to you. I told him about how smart a girl you are and your special skill. Do you remember what we talked about?"

Ice froze my imaginary veins.

A smile filled my face where I wanted to bite her hand, "Yea! I feel really funny sometime. Feels heavy but nice. Made me cry cuz felt weird but just feel like blanket now."

Er, what?

Miwa smiled, fond but condescending, "Yes, Rei-chan. You feel chakra around you. It is curious that you only feel it at seemingly random times, but chakra sensing can be very useful for ninja. Ryoichi-san wanted to meet the special girl I told him would make a great ninja one day."

The Kid beamed, "Me be great ninja! I beat bad guys! I be really good ninja – I feel now!"

Both adults, Ryoichi startlingly coming suddenly into sight, look surprised. The shinobi spoke, "You can sense chakra right now Rei-chan?"

"Yea! For while. Ryoji-san feel real heavy."

The ninja smiled good naturedly at the butchering of his name, but I could see the calculation in his eyes. Good Lord, this was not good. My mind raced. Oh, this attention was not good at all. I'm two and I haven't even done anything noteworthy! I wasn't a ridiculously excelled kid, so why would this version of me be?

With careful rumination performed at a later date, it would seem rather obvious that _I _was the reason for the Kid's acceleration and odd ability. The only time she could sense chakra was when I was active. The things she performed ahead of the curve were knowledge unknowingly leaked to her from me. Basic language, walking, talking quirks – the knowledge was stored in her, even if she couldn't consciously access it. It explains her obnoxious tendency to call the older kids she likes sempai. Stupid otaku tendencies followed me into another life – I didn't even usually indulge in that one!

Hindsight aside, the rest of the conversation didn't leave me feeling remarkably good. The ninja remarked on my smooth motor and verbal skills compared to others my age and my "skill". He asked the Kid to explain how chakra felt, but as she had a very limited vocabulary, he didn't get huge variation from "heavy" and "nice". The two sent me off with a reminder to think of becoming a ninja when I was older and a command to go play.

The Kid was over the moon. I was in hell.

* * *

Two years pass and I continue to adjust to my situation. I learn of my ability to take control, though it tired me terribly at first, but usually let the Kid take the reins. She was certainly smart for her age, but didn't display the sharp intelligence needed to be a prodigy in this world. I had that, would show it in my eyes if the adults looked to see. So, I looked at this bright, odd, terrible world and observed.

As I paid attention, I saw hints that I had missed. Most of the children books paid some homage to ninja. The most popular game to pay on the playground was "ninja". Although not readily noticeable, it seemed that people had higher energy and durability than my home world. Some of the kids had ridiculous hair colors.

_I _had a ridiculous hair color. Actually, I had ridiculous hair. Full stop.

I was at first gleeful that I retained my curly hair. It felt comforting to reach up and feel the familiar unruly strands, even if they remained distressingly short. Then I looked in a mirror. As I was in charge of our body at the time, my mouth fell open in a gape.

Do you know why anime characters don't usually have super curly hair? _Because it doesn't work. _My hair was an ungodly monstrosity of curls and snarls raging up from their nest on my head. They sprung into the air, off to the sides, and one offensively stubborn curl poked into my right eye.

That wasn't the last of it, oh no. My hair was the most offensive shade of aqua blue that had ever burned my retinas. Considering I have a great love for the color blue, I am unable to understand how I got the one shade that makes me look absolutely ridiculous.

I almost drowned myself in the sink right there.

The rest of me wasn't too bad. I had light brown skin previously, and while the natural dark tan of my new skin was a bit odd, it was close enough. My big cinnamon brown eyes were a pretty shade, but overly large and dewy. I suppose everyone's eyes were overlarge, but it was still weird as hell.

Looks aside, my body felt familiar to me and I felt like I could claim it as my own skin. After I had adjusted enough to chakra to not want to crawl out of it, that is. Itches are the worse; especially when it's impossible to scratch.

So, I spent my time adjusting and plotting how to escape the military regime I had been plopped into. Not much to report on that front, but I didn't expect a flash of divine inspiration. I still had a year before I have to (because I'd be kidding myself if a thought an orphan "with potential" had a choice) join the Academy. I'll come up with something.

…Ah optimism, I'm still getting used to you.

Anyway, I'm four and now able to stray a little from the immediate grounds of the orphanage. They give a distressing amount of independence to children, not that I'm complaining. Miwa-san, however much I begrudge her attempts at indoctrination, knows I can handle myself and didn't even send an older kid with me.

Although I didn't want to take her first chance of adventure from her, I needed to be in charge for this taste of freedom. I felt boxed in and suffocated. I needed to establish a bit of freedom, even if it's just an illusion.

I rushed down the walkway, running full tilt with my eyes closed and a grin on my lips. Alone, for the first time in forever. I breathed in the air, letting it suck coolly into my lungs. The chakra pressed into me gently and flowed through the air. I felt alright in that moment. I didn't know that I wasn't before. It's easy to bury your feelings when you didn't even have to _be _if you wanted to. I could curl myself into inky darkness and set myself to sleep if I felt negative emotion coming on.

Not healthy, but I'm coping.

I paused and stumbled in my stride, feeling like something hot had just sideswiped me. It clutched at me, malevolent and pervading. Distantly, I identified it. _Chakra. _

Except I sure as hell hadn't felt this kind before.

I couldn't catch my stumble and suddenly bumped into someone my size. We bounced apart and my eyes flew open and met a pair of startlingly clear blue.

I knew those eyes.

He had healthy peach skin and marks that looked like whiskers adorned his cheeks. I knew those too.

I did not know that hair.

Red.

Naruto Uzumaki scowled at me, jagged red hair ruffled and blue eyes narrowing, "Hey, what was that for!"

I stared.

Oh, fuck all kinds of ducks.


End file.
